Moving On.......

I am here to provide a sense of closure to the journey this space has taken me on as I realize that it has been seven months since I traveled down its path. I feel so different yet so familiar as a result of the growth that has taken place through my writings and musings but am no longer compelled to articulate my experience which now seems so distant and impersonal. Perhaps that is my fault for not honoring my commitment to the frequency of writing I intended, perhaps it is the natural progression of things. Whatever the reason, i am saying goodbye.

My departure comes with a few new and exciting aspects to my "practice". I completed my yoga certification and will hopefully be teaching in some capacity come fall. I met an amazing and eclectic group of people and will carry the experience with me in yoga and in life.

Sloane Elizabeth arrived in our lives on July 13th in a predictable intense and rapid fashion. She is the completion of something I didn't realize was lacking and has continued to inspire, challenge and strengthen my mothering journey in ways similar and foreign to that of her brother. I adore her.

Practice, practice, practice.

First Trimester Hiatus

It has been a long time since I waxed poetic here. Right after my last visit we found out a new life has chosen us as his/her new family so between first trimester fatigue, the holidays and a needy toddler, there hasn't been much time to organize my thoughts in this space. I am going into my fourteenth week and things seem to be settling down a bit (for now) and I felt like I needed to connect here again. Being so early still in the pregnancy, I am still feeling slightly ambivalent about things. It has sort of a possibility in the distant future quality to it, as though a baby may or may not be coming in the next six months. Being pregnant for a second time while caring for an older toddler hasn't allowed me the luxury or ability to feel consumed by all things "what to expect" as my focus is elsewhere. I have also felt slightly better than I remember with my first, and I felt pretty good with him, so the thoughts of "am I really pregnant?" can be somewhat frequent. My barely noticeable to the naked eye expanding belly is starting to expand a bit more so it won't be long until the impending arrival of a new baby is known to the casual observer. Absent and not helping the matters of ambivalence is the instinctual knowledge of what the gender of the baby is that I had immediately with Liam. "Knowing" made it easier for not knowing when it came time for the routine ultrasound so we'll see if I can hold out again this time.

This family journey runs parallel to a personal journey I've embarked on beginning this month. I began my teacher training program and will be certified to teach yoga at the the 200 hour level by June. It has been a big commitment, but one I am excited and proud to have made. I am excited about all of the possibilities this will bring to my life's path and it is an incredible opportunity to be integrating the teachings of yoga with my pregnancy. I am sure more is to come on that later.

For now, I am doing my best to take in each moment as it comes and appreciate what is in front of me because I am all too aware of how quickly things change and the certainty of uncertainty. The joy is in the journey.

Things we lost in an hour

I remember when "falling back" meant an extra hour of sleep (or an extra hour of partying depending on what stage of my life I am reflecting back on). Parents see the shift from Daylight Saving Time from a whole new perspective. The only thing I can come close to comparing it to is when I worked third shift in a drug and alcohol rehab facility and would get stuck working that extra hour making an already long night seem like eternity. Trying to force a baby or toddler to adapt to the change is like trying to force the tide in the opposite direction. So why we decide to transition our boy to a "big boy" toddler bed the night after the time change is a lapse in parental judgment it may take years for me to rationalize.

Liam was excited about his new bed and made no objections at all as we disassembled his crib and carried it in pieces upstairs. He even 'helped' put together the new bed although I suspect his helping increased his Dad's frustration with the project. After several hours of rearranging and strategizing, the big boy room was complete and I cried like a baby. This was reality check time and no longer would I rock my boy, scoop him up and tuck him in his crib safe and sound for the night. Liam made this painfully clear by climbing in the bed and proceeding to jump on and off of it all full speed once it was put together. That first night he was up several times
after sleeping soundly through the night for the better part of the last year and a half. Not only that, it later became apparent that he spent some portion of the nighttime wandering (in the pitch dark) through the basement pulling out games and toys and tossing them all over the floor. A gate in his doorway and a lock on the basement door followed the next day.

We are still working out the kinks of this transition and everyone's sense of security appears to have been dismantled with the crib. Our fairly reliable routine of putting Liam to bed in the evening not to hear from him again until at least 7 o'clock the next morning has been lost as well and the nights of tossing in bed anticipating the boy's cries have returned for me in an unwelcome fashion. Who knew gaining an hour could take so much.

I know the only constant is change and this too shall pass but the one loss that will not be found is the fantasy of holding on to my baby forever. One more milestone on the path of motherhood paved.

Yes We Can

The mantra of change that our president elect chanted as a campaign slogan has renewed meaning in light of last night's election. We as a people have elected this man in historic fashion and I for one could not be more proud. However, this mantra has relevance in our everyday lives as well and we have a responsibility as individuals to rise up and hold ourselves accountable to be the person- women, mothers, wives, sisters, friends who we know resides within the essence of our being. The very best of ourselves is who we owe it to each other (our friends, families, communities, our COUNTRY) to be. Yes we can.

Be the change you wish to see in the world......Ghandi

Vote for the change you believe in

As a mom, your perspective about the world changes. Things which were seemingly irrelevant to you in the past are now issues you confront daily out of the best interest for your child and family. Define what is most important to you and then seek out the elected officials who most represent those values. Although this is a historic election (as we are reminded daily) often the local issues and elected officials take a back seat to the larger scale races. Don't let them. Your parks, your schools, your libraries need your support just as much if not more than the other guys.

I am waiting with hope and anticipation for the outcome of today's election. I've done my part but if you haven't yet, go- now. Make a difference. 537 votes are not a lot folks. Your voice can be heard.

Breathing Lessons

I had just put the boy down for his nap when I heard a thump. I barged back into his room, nostrils flaring, ready to belt out my best "it is nap time GO TO SLEEP" rhetoric when he popped his little head up from the mattress and said "mommy, what happened?". Turns out, something I had put on the stairs fell to the floor outside of his room. Whoops. I covered him up, tucked my tail between my legs and shut the door.

If I would have only stopped for a moment, taken a breath and proceeded I would have seen the yoga block on the floor and all of the nonsense above could have been avoided. Believe in your breath moms- it is the most powerful tool we have.

Speaking of yoga, I went to a new class this weekend and got all goosebumpy like I do when I feel like I've made a bit of that internal connection during class that I strive for during my mat practice. Talking with the teacher after class I realized the connection may have been with her. We were talking about the upcoming teacher training I enrolled in and she shared with me that she found out she was pregnant two thirds of the way through her own training and how having a child has completely changed her teaching perspective and personal practice. She said "it doesn't matter if I can hold a pose for twenty minutes, what matters is can I breath through an episode of my daughter dumping nail polish on the floor". Exactly. Just breathe.

Wonderment, Part Three

I was rereading some old posts the other day when I came across one from last winter where I inanely wrote about a favorite expression of Liam's in his early verbal days. I got hit hard with a dose of "OMG, I forgot about that" and realized there would be so many things about our early days together that would be stored in the deepest parts of my mind, possibly found only with a prompt such as this. I suppose this is one of the many reasons that I share my thoughts and experiences here, as authentic (I hope) written documentation of all things wonderful and complicated motherhood has to offer. Here are some of the most current things I hope never to forget about my boy-

Dancing in circles to "Shake It"

Puppy Kisses
His love of my nana's cooking
"Doing his part" while I run the sweeper
Saying "let's do this" as we are going somewhere (thanks to his dad)
"mommy pick uppy"
The sweet nestled smell of his 'blankie'
Watching "Emeril Live" after nap
The all encompassing exclamation "Holy Moses!"

From this post to God's ears.....