Becoming Your Mother

Motherhood is full of fears- fears of inadequacy, fears of failure, fears of what you cannot control such as illness or outside influences. But the biggest fear of all is the fear of becoming your mother. The vast continuum in which the dynamics of mother/daughter relations flow is complex at best, but even the healthiest of those relationships hold examples of child rearing that we as daughters do not wish to channel as mothers to our own children. For some, including myself, the fear of mothering your own child as you were mothered can be debilitating. Knowing the effects that an angry, unpredictable and sometimes unstable environment can have on a child, you tell yourself you WILL NOT do that to your own child. But the unknown of parenting rears it's ugly head and in the moment you recognize pieces of a past you fought hard to overcome. The truth is those moments are when you have the greatest opportunity to become the best mother you can be. Acknowledge them, accept them and then redefine them. Find the lesson to be learned during those moments, for that awareness creates for us the ability to evolve through our experiences and accept what works and discard the rest. It is at our most vulnerable when we can see the effects that our childhoods has had on us, but it is also at our most vulnerable that we find our inner strength to transcend the past. Try defining your experiences instead of letting your experiences define you. Then you can begin to embrace the similarities to your own upbringing and revel in the differences in the way you care for your child today. How liberating would that be! This is what "practicing" motherhood is all about. Thanks Stephanie....

Reality Check

My sister recently announced that she is newly pregnant. Being hip deep in the throws of new motherhood myself, my reaction was a mix of excitement, shock and empathy. I remember the thrill of that positive pregnancy test. I also remember the anxiety that went along with it and continued throughout my pregnancy and into many current moments of caring for my son. I've noticed a similar reaction when I see a pregnant couple who appears to be diving into parenthood for the first time- boy are you in for the surprise of your lives! I remember when we were in that space of anticipation- dreamily awaiting the arrival of a new baby and all of the joy he or she would bring, existing in a constant state of denial of all of the "horror" stories we heard from veteran parents. "Your life is over as you know it" or "You will never have a good night's sleep again". Not to mention the explosive effect babies have on your relationship. Come on, babies bring you closer together, right? No, none of this would happen to us. We were prepared for a baby, committed to each other- in a much better place to start a family than all of these other people before us. Fast forward to nine months post partum and a whole new perspective is born. Pun intended. Now when I hear of a new birth my first thought is how is mom doing. A friend is pregnant and my advice is throw out all your expectations- it will be nothing like you think. The good times are great and the bad times are worse. But she of course looks at me like the tired, stressed out new mom I am and tells herself it won't be like that for her. But it will be, and she will be a better woman(as well as mother and partner)for it. At least that is what I tell myself in the midst of a breaking point. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And nothing will challenge your very existence like becoming a mother.