Am I there yet?

We are still struggling with the "sickness" as we have been referring to it around here. I keep waiting to feel like we are on the other side of it, but instead, it just feels like I am running in circles. Circles of medicine, grabbing tissues, playing the guilty, bad mommy game for wanting (NEEDING) some time to myself. It seems a bit unproductive to have such bitter feelings of resentment for the microscopic germs that have attacked, and appeared to have seized, my son's immune system. Our whole lives have been disrupted this week and any sense of normalcy fleeting in a way that our routine has become a faded memory. Dealing with a sick child sort of has it's own pattern of stages. The first being the intuitive awareness that something just isn't quite right, moving to the empathetic tender phase of just wanting to make everything all better. Then there is the fear stage that your baby has developed some sort of undiagnosable illness that will certainly have irreversible effects on his growth and development. (This phase appears to be fueled by fatigue- mental and physical.) Next is the aforementioned resentment stage (also possibly fueled by exhaustion) where you feel as though fighting to wipe snot from a toddler's nose could not be a more futile or demeaning task and isn't your mark in this world bigger than this? I am assuming the next phase will feel something like relief and gratitude that this too has passed. I'll let you know when I get there.

There is, of course, meaning in this current daily struggle. This, too SHALL pass and in my heart I know that providing comfort to my boy is some of the most important work I'll ever do. The duality is recognizing that comforting myself is the opposite side of that same coin. Balancing that coin is the real struggle. I'll let you know when I get there.

Silver Lining

Nothing really prepares you for the ins and outs of motherhood, but least of all for when your baby is sick. The pull on your heartstrings is so tender and the longing to make it all go away consuming. I have been blessed with a boy who doesn't get sick all that often. I do not know if this makes it better or worse. I recognized the sort of glassy look in his eyes this morning but blew it off. By naptime, however, the flushed cheeks and barking cough were an insight into the discomfort he must be feeling. So when he woke from his nap after 45 minutes only to be laid back down a half an hour later, I took it in stride. We cuddled, we sang, we watched "Wonder Pets" all in an effort to make a sick little boy feel comforted and a mom feel like she is doing something to make it all better. This is one of those times when looking at the silver lining gets you through. It won't be long before he doesn't want or need me to wrap him up in a blanket and cuddle on the couch and those precious, stolen moments will be found only in my heart.

Auld Lang Syne

I am accepting an invitation to declare 2007 complete from one of my favorite blogger moms- Andrea at Superhero Journal. Andrea invites her readers to move through 2007 to 2008 by acknowledging your contributions and grieving the losses of the past year. What a fabulous idea, I say.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
2007 was a arduous time for me; moving through the transition of motherhood and accepting all of the struggles was not an easy task for me. However, reflecting back, I found with those struggles came some wonderful gifts. I began writing this blog which not only became a way for me to express my struggles, but also a way to cultivate the creative streak I knew lay dormant somewhere inside.

I was able to coordinate a monthly "Mom's Meeting" which became a source of strength for me, as well as, I believe, the other moms trying to find the same sense of balance I longed for. This group encompasses some pretty diverse women and perspectives, creating a space of growth and support for the taking once a month.

Along the same line I've been able to make connections with women (some old friends, many new) that I would not have made otherwise. Those connections sparked because of a common thread, but are unique and wonderful in many ways. I am incredibly grateful for the women in my life.

Dar A Luz Network came into my life with an opportunity to fuel my passion for supporting women and an outlet for pent up energy since leaving the workplace. I helped organize a (successful) fundraiser and collaborated with its founding members to implement resources to increase the sense of community and support to post partum moms. Amazing group, amazing women.

THINGS TO GRIEVE
My yoga practice has taken a hit since giving birth, especially the spiritual aspect which embodied such a sense of serenity and inner peace. I am actively working on changing this.

The nursing relationship with Liam ended this year as well and although breastfeeding presented many personal challenges, I miss the connection it provided to my son as well as the ability to provide for him instinctually.

The "perfect mother persona" I created for myself that I am certain contributed to my Post Partum Depression. I get angry, I yell, I cry, I get annoyed and bored way more often than I thought I should.

My marriage's identity as a twosome and all of the advantages of not being responsible to a third party. (Read as going to the movies, leisurely shopping on weekends and concerts)

My own identity-(so a whole other post).

And now....2007 is complete. Feel free to share your own thoughts in the comments section. And thanks for sharing this space with me.