Am I there yet?

We are still struggling with the "sickness" as we have been referring to it around here. I keep waiting to feel like we are on the other side of it, but instead, it just feels like I am running in circles. Circles of medicine, grabbing tissues, playing the guilty, bad mommy game for wanting (NEEDING) some time to myself. It seems a bit unproductive to have such bitter feelings of resentment for the microscopic germs that have attacked, and appeared to have seized, my son's immune system. Our whole lives have been disrupted this week and any sense of normalcy fleeting in a way that our routine has become a faded memory. Dealing with a sick child sort of has it's own pattern of stages. The first being the intuitive awareness that something just isn't quite right, moving to the empathetic tender phase of just wanting to make everything all better. Then there is the fear stage that your baby has developed some sort of undiagnosable illness that will certainly have irreversible effects on his growth and development. (This phase appears to be fueled by fatigue- mental and physical.) Next is the aforementioned resentment stage (also possibly fueled by exhaustion) where you feel as though fighting to wipe snot from a toddler's nose could not be a more futile or demeaning task and isn't your mark in this world bigger than this? I am assuming the next phase will feel something like relief and gratitude that this too has passed. I'll let you know when I get there.

There is, of course, meaning in this current daily struggle. This, too SHALL pass and in my heart I know that providing comfort to my boy is some of the most important work I'll ever do. The duality is recognizing that comforting myself is the opposite side of that same coin. Balancing that coin is the real struggle. I'll let you know when I get there.