Wonderment

I am tired of snow. I am tired of heavy coats, hats he won't keep on and boots that just do not seem to ever fit right. I am tired of canceled plans and not being able to go out and PLAY. Looking through my own eyes this is what I see, another winter to endure, another cold day to suffer through. But mine are not the eyes of a toddler, a lesson I learned yesterday while out running a routine errand on yet another snow filled morning, both of us dressed head to toe in our best cold filtering gear. "Walk", he said as I attempted to carry him from the car as I always do. I watched as he proudly stomped through the slushy parking lot like a character from one of his board books. Big heavy flakes fell from the sky as he pointed up in wonderment exclaiming "whoa" in his best Joey Lawrence impersonation. "SNOW!" he cried out, uttering for the first time the very word that I had been cursing all morning. "Yes" I smiled and said, "isn't it beautiful?". We walked back to the car (of course) and went home to watch the snow fall.

To the one I love...

I don't usually get all sentimental about Valentine's Day but I am feeling a renewed connection to my other (sometimes better) half. Our recent loss provided us with an unexpected benefit- we found ourselves united in a way that was raw and honest and genuine and we experienced something together that reminded us of who we are as a couple, not as parents. Grief is a funny thing. I also recognized that this (this meaning parenting, relating, EXISTING) is not a combat zone which I seemed to have created in my own mind. Maybe it is the perceived shift in the balance of power or maybe it is my own feelings of inadequacies, but I've had this idea that it is me against him and he will never understand what it is like caring for our son on a daily basis or the sacrifices I have to make in the process. In that process I've managed to negate his experience in the shift that is parenthood and dishonored the losses and sacrifices he has made, one being his wife pre-motherhood. I cannot deny I am not the me of before baby and all of the complexities that exist within that transformation, but this new life would be a lot more harmonious if we related as partners instead of adversaries. Believe me, it takes a united front to overcome the daily struggles of toddlerdom.

So here's a Valentines Day toast to my wonderful husband, my son's incredible father. We are lucky to have you. And vice versa!

Watching From Afar

Roxy is now keeping watch from a field full of squirrels to chase and balls to catch. Goodbye sweet girl, we'll see you on the other side.

An Unlikely Teacher

Things I've learned from Roxy...









There is no substitute for a good rub behind the ears.
Sheer joy can be found in the simplest of things.
Everyone can be a little crabby sometimes, even dogs.
Sometimes a walk is all you need to turn a day around.
Squirrels are evil and must be destroyed. (okay, she really didn't convince me of this- but she tried)
Sometimes the greatest sacrifices we make in life are in honor of the ones we love.

If you love something, let it go...

As I listened to the raging thunder this morning, the sounds echoed the pain in my heart. She is afraid of storms I thought and as if on cue, I heard her bark calling to me from downstairs where she has kept watch since we brought Liam home. I am here, I called as I opened the door to let her upstairs to the warm comfort and safety of our bed, if only for now. My heart ached to be able to continue provide that same comfort to her, to avoid the inevitable of the days to come.

My sweet Roxy has had a tough time since Liam arrived. This was not a surprise to us. I found Roxy on a cold winter day alone and starving on the side of the road while out working with a client. Are you afraid of dogs I asked? No, he replied and Roxy jumped in the back of my car.

We soon learned that Roxy was most likely abused, had a seizure disorder and was very uncomfortable around kids. She was also sensitive to changes in the house like when we put up the Christmas tree and rearranged the furniture. But she is also the smartest, sweetest dog, always cuddling and coming when called. She instantly became my favorite girl.

We have been struggling with the adjustment to our new family dynamic since the boy started crawling and I have watched Roxy become more introverted and skittish. Her seizures have increased and she just seems sad. So am I. As the result of a bite over the weekend and many, MANY shed tears we have decided to let Roxy go. We will be with her on Saturday as our amazing vet assists us in facilitating Roxy's transition from this earthly existence to somewhere she will no doubt chase squirrels and toss squeaky toys all day long. Please keep her in your thoughts this Saturday morning. She will be in ours forever.

The Grass is Always Greener

And by greener I mean your experience is always negated by the other mom who has it harder than you. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I am not alone in thinking "I shouldn't be this (angry, frustrated, tired, bored, lonely) at least I (only have one kid, have a supportive partner, work, don't work, got a break today)." Deep in my bones I have felt the effects of the past two weeks which have been plagued by sickness- his, mine, ours- but I have also found myself thinking about my mother sisters whose husbands were out of town, or who are recovering from surgery while caring for a newborn or who have TWO sick children. I should be grateful that (insert irrational reverse guilt trip here) and not feel so, SO. There is that SHOULD again. Enough is Enough.

Here is the reality of the situation. It is so much easier to focus on someone else than it is ourselves, in any capacity. All we truly know is our own realities and the perspective we develop being engaged in the daily ritual of that. I have no idea how I would respond if my husband were out of town for 10 days but I do know that the last 10 days with my sick son while battling my own germy demons has undoubtedly sucked. Being present with the suckiness of it all facilitates growth, movement to the other side. Focusing on the idea that she has it worse than i do so why can't I take care of this sick kid and cook a three course meal by 6 o'clock only depletes us further. Why exert all of that energy? Save it, call your friends, commiserate, support each other.

We are all in this together. All of our landscaping could use a little TLC.