Breathing Lessons

I had just put the boy down for his nap when I heard a thump. I barged back into his room, nostrils flaring, ready to belt out my best "it is nap time GO TO SLEEP" rhetoric when he popped his little head up from the mattress and said "mommy, what happened?". Turns out, something I had put on the stairs fell to the floor outside of his room. Whoops. I covered him up, tucked my tail between my legs and shut the door.

If I would have only stopped for a moment, taken a breath and proceeded I would have seen the yoga block on the floor and all of the nonsense above could have been avoided. Believe in your breath moms- it is the most powerful tool we have.

Speaking of yoga, I went to a new class this weekend and got all goosebumpy like I do when I feel like I've made a bit of that internal connection during class that I strive for during my mat practice. Talking with the teacher after class I realized the connection may have been with her. We were talking about the upcoming teacher training I enrolled in and she shared with me that she found out she was pregnant two thirds of the way through her own training and how having a child has completely changed her teaching perspective and personal practice. She said "it doesn't matter if I can hold a pose for twenty minutes, what matters is can I breath through an episode of my daughter dumping nail polish on the floor". Exactly. Just breathe.

Wonderment, Part Three

I was rereading some old posts the other day when I came across one from last winter where I inanely wrote about a favorite expression of Liam's in his early verbal days. I got hit hard with a dose of "OMG, I forgot about that" and realized there would be so many things about our early days together that would be stored in the deepest parts of my mind, possibly found only with a prompt such as this. I suppose this is one of the many reasons that I share my thoughts and experiences here, as authentic (I hope) written documentation of all things wonderful and complicated motherhood has to offer. Here are some of the most current things I hope never to forget about my boy-

Dancing in circles to "Shake It"

Puppy Kisses
His love of my nana's cooking
"Doing his part" while I run the sweeper
Saying "let's do this" as we are going somewhere (thanks to his dad)
"mommy pick uppy"
The sweet nestled smell of his 'blankie'
Watching "Emeril Live" after nap
The all encompassing exclamation "Holy Moses!"

From this post to God's ears.....

Sweeter Words Were Never Spoken

Last week was a bit of a challenge for our family. The wonderful time had by all (including Liam, Grandma and Grandpa) while we spent our first days apart came with a bit of a price. The boy struggled to transition back into our daily routine with all the neediness and whineyness a toddler has to offer. It was his way, I suppose, of letting us know he missed us and did not understand where we were or why we had left him- at least that is what I kept telling myself. After a few days of this I thought for sure I might lose my mind. Then it happened, the moment every mother waits for, the overwhelming emotional validation for all the sleepless nights, aching shoulders, endured tantrums, irrational worries- he said "I love you, mommy". I thought my heart would burst right then and there. He as been saying "luv you" when prompted (tell Grammy you love her) and has been known to respond "yeah" to me when I have said "I love you, Liam" so to have him walk up to me, hug and kiss me and then say "mommy I love you" was more than I could take. He has since walked up for random kisses ("kiss, mommy!") and other affectionate expressions, but I will always remember that moment, sitting on the floor in my Nana's house when those three little words were uttered.

Liam, I love you to the moon and back again.

Sowing the Seeds of Love

This past weekend was the first time my husband and I have been away alone together since the boy was born. Almost two and a half years is a long time to go with very minimal cultivation of the garden which is your relationship. I have written here before about how difficult it is adapting to the change in dynamic that the transformation from couple to parents brings, but it is equally as difficult sometimes to reconnect to the place where our former selves reside. Evenings out alone tend to be a couple of hours over dinner and drinks spent rehashing the day or a previous disagreement or discussing parenting strategies in a space that is not surrounded by constant interruption. This was different. We owned this time, which was days not hours, it was not borrowed from evenings of bath and bedtime rituals. We left on Thursday for his best friend's wedding and returned Sunday afternoon refreshed and renewed, having had ample opportunities to sit alone, individually with our thoughts and together as the couple who made each other laugh, supported each other and fell in love.

So this is what I learned. Those two people who fell in love are the same two people who created a child, a wonderful boy who shares the best (and a few of the worst) parts of us. We just have added a new dimension to our relationship, one that at times feels consuming, but is really an enhancement of who we are at the core. The struggles strengthen us if we allow ourselves to absorb the lessons within those struggles. When we honor those experiences instead of denying them, we grow together not apart.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I heard Bette Midler's 'The Rose" the other day in a department store and it took on a whole new, somewhat profound significance for me. The seed, struggling through the cold, hard winter and blossoming to a beautiful, magnificent flower with the warmth of the sun. I know, I know but love and relationships aren't always perfect and it takes the dark cold winter to bring about the warm, brightness of Spring. It's all in our perspective. Plant a seed.